Burden
by Lady Valmar
Summary: After a time he’d seemed back to his old self but there were warning signs all around. There was just something not right about the Colonel. It didn’t help the way he sometimes eyed the room he was in or avoided a group of women...Sequel to Going Commando
1. Preceeding Demise

**A/N: **I have re-edited chapter 1 and 2 (August 8, 2007) because I just felt it needed it. Not too much has changed but I would still recommend re-reading it. Chapter 3 will be posted this week.

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Title: Burden (Still a working title) 

Author: Lady Valmar

Genre: Emotional/Science Fiction

Rating: Mature 

Archive: SGAHC, FB, FF etc.

Beta: None (Feel free to volunteer)

Pairings: None. Team fic with focus on Sheppard.

**Prequel: Going Commando**

_Spoilers:_ Stargate Atlantis - Season 2 and with subtle and not so subtle connections to Season 3. Stargate - Episode 407 Watergate. 

Summary: After a time he'd seemed back to his old self but there were warning signs all around. There was just something not right about the Colonel. It didn't help the way he sometimes eyed the room he was in or avoided a group of women chattering away in the mess hall. Sequel to Going Commando

Warnings: You must have read Going Commando in order to understand this story. Contains male sex slave/domination, torture, some rape though not much and lots of whumping in other forms. Also Sheppard does cutting. If you find this uncomfortable to read in any way turn back now. Also please read the notes.

Disclaimer: I have no association, affiliation with the show or its sponsors. I do not own Stargate Atlantis and can only claim this fic as my own. Therefore, please, do ask me before posting this elsewhere and do not steal any of my original themes, concepts or ideas.

**Note 1:** If you've ever read Clive Cussler, I'm going to use a few techniques indicative of his work. A character will be introduced and we will see through his/her's eyes and once one or two scenes has ended we will never see their perspective again. Just felt I should explain in advance to those who might feel turned off by this fic because of the beginning. Oh yes…in case you were wondering its Goa'uld. That's the proper spelling.

**Note 2**: Request fic for denise-42.

… **.LV.** …

**Burden**

By _Lady Valmar_

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**Preceding Demise **

**- Introduction -**

Her eyes roamed the settlement. Dead bodies were littered everywhere, she wrinkled her nose at the scent of burning flesh. There was burning houses and rubble that muddied the clear view she had of her surroundings.

Well that hadn't taken long, she thought.

The hive had turned on her.

It was of little importance compared to her need to feed but she felt sad to lose the power she'd gained. After all she'd gone through to get Atlantis and then now her current host, she wasn't so sure the trouble had been worth the gain.

Her lips quivered as she sensed something nearby. A human…

Grinning, she stalked into one of the burning houses. It stank of death. The decorations ranged from burnt flesh to pretty paintings and some pottery that had melted or blackened. She frowned, she'd always had a soft spot for art and the loss made her shake her head. When she first joined Apophis's ranks back in Milky Way, she'd found an appreciation for art and even after so many years of being alive she continued to be fascinated by it.

Sniffing, she felt the first of her hunger settle in. The wound she'd taken from the crash needed healing and the body needed sustenance. She tisked through her sharp teeth.

_When will I find the right body? Someday when I find the right host. I will surrender life as a symbiot finally. Mother will be proud. _She thought before striding to an untouched painting in the corner of the room, near some stairs.

It was one of the most beautiful she'd ever seen and relatively untouched, save for the scorch mark near a corner of it. The artist had used eggshell porcelain as their canvas. On it was a painting in fine colors of a man with half a face of a Wraith and half a face of a human. His human eye was painted gold. She could see the edges of the frame were also decorated in gold filigree. Her heart warmed at the site of such a beautiful piece.

When she had fled Atlantis, a part of her had missed the opportunity at not having taken some of its finer art pieces. Not that there was much left of it.

Back on the hive ship her personal room, had been decorated with some beautiful pieces she'd managed to procure but now…

Her lip twisting sourly and she reached for the piece. She could always start again. Feeling the floor give way, she hissed and gripped the ledge at the last minute. Below her she could see a caved in cellar that had been built above an underground entrance.

_Foolish humans._ She thought, as she tried to pull herself up. At the last minute when her torso touched the floor, the entire roof began to shake. She shook her head, and smiled as the art piece landed on a burnt basket of blankets.

Reaching for it, she nestled it under her braided leather vest and swung herself back and forth a few times. Once she felt confident enough, she released her Wraith hand, flinging herself onto a piece of the original cellar floor.

Just as she saw the ceiling collapse above her, she hopped down into the tunnel and raced toward another tunnel, sloping downwards and adjacent to the one she was in. Curling her lips in dismay she saw only darkness as the tunnel lead farther down.

Times like these she wished she'd packed a safety bag. One in which it contained night goggles. Only the trackers used them but some Queen's kept one or two for themselves. If for nothing else, the thrill.

Feeling her wound begin to bleed again, Serket, put her hand on it. The blood oozing between her fingertips and palm. Looking down at her Wraith slit, she sighed. How she longed for human flesh. Anything to take the edge off the hunger and the pain.

Hissing, Serket, patted her chest gently, mindful of the artwork there. She only had so much time before her hunger would overwhelm her.

_If only that wonderful John Sheppard were here. I would have my way with him one more time and then eat him. _She smiled at the wishful thinking, treading onward into darkness. _I fooled him so well. He hates me but pities me. Shame I did that. Stupid me._

* * *

**2:30 am - Nightmares**

John awoke in a sweat, his heart ramming into his chest. Damn…another nightmare, that was the third one so far this week. He ran his eyes over his sheets then let his hand wander his body checking for wounds that were already healed.

_Still… _He thought. _I should be over this by now. I know…but …_

The whole denial thing lasted about a two days and then it had hit him like a rock. My god it made him sick just to think about it and there was the flinching. He'd be damned if he was going to let that continue but it was kind of a subconscious thing he couldn't control.

Dr. Heightmeyer had told him that it might take awhile before he would be able to get over it. John snorted. _Get over it? Like that was going to make things easier._

If only they had known what he'd done… was doing to himself. John punched his pillow. It was the fourth week since that…incident and he should be over this by now. Why the hell was it so hard to get over? It wasn't like he'd been taken for days only mere hours.

Sitting up he thought the lights on and twitched when a towel from his hamper fell. He slowly pulled the covers off himself.

Four weeks and he still hadn't gotten over it. How could he? He'd gone through countless hours in sessions with Dr. Heightmeyer and well there was that cut Teyla had seen… and he'd been put on observation for. Darn her for making him see Beckett anyways.

How the hell had she'd known that he'd done the cut himself. Oh that's right, he thought, Dr. Heightmeyer must have briefed his team for signs of self abuse or bad coping mechanisms.

So that meant progress wasn't going so well for him…

He'd tried to explain the wood from the sticks that Teyla and him used, had splintered and had been sharp enough to cup open his skin. Teyla told Beckett otherwise…she'd looked his cut over and knew it wasn't from the sticks.

And as well Beckett hadn't believed him either and so the sessions had grown weary with Heightmeyer after that.

At least he was better at hiding the flinches. The sessions, according to Dr. Heightmeyer were improvements since he'd been found dying in a pool of blood and since his denial of the wound he'd inflicted on himself.

John laughed. That didn't provide him much comfort because he knew better. They just couldn't understand that the more he tried to talk about the more it brought bile to his lips even thinking about…

_Serket. _His lips twisted in disgust. They still couldn't explain her escape…they'd found Beckham and another, Charleston, two of the patrol guards, dead in one of the corridors to an underwater jumper bay. She'd somehow escaped from her cell, killed both guards and used a submerged jumper to escape. How they hadn't picked up her signature…

Stretching and then standing up, John moved to his laptop. After it had booted up he reviewed the material Rodney had sent him. It was about the escape route she'd taken after fleeing the infirmary. He scanned the report, his finger stopping at page 2.

"_She must have charted this particular path ahead of time as is evident from the white chalk found on the doorway label.__ She must have known where to look. Conveniently a research vessel and several other test ships had been stashed there. One just happening to be a type of puddle jumper that could cloak itself and block all tracking signals both from Wraith and Atlantean technology…though I would think that would have proved to be a bad idea…"_

_How appropriate_. John shook his head, as he scanned the specs on the ship. _Damn shame we didn't learn of it sooner but then again it was only experimental. Still it would have been nice…between Rodney, Radek and all the other scientists, they could have gotten it to work. _

John rubbed his neck. It was too early in the morning to pester Rodney, even though he wanted to and it was too early for his run with Ronon. He guessed reading Star-crossed by Marilynn Byerly could pass his time, a book he'd borrowed from Lt. Alyssa Hill. He could have asked someone else but she'd been complaining about lack of good books to her friend near him in the mess hall.

It'd had been nice to converse with someone who didn't feel pity for him or try to shy away. She'd conversed about her love for books and then she'd traded books with him later on in the day. He had to admit he still wasn't ready to get close to anyone but she'd been kind to him.

Sadly, she was apparently dating Lorne. _Well not sad for Lorne,_ he thought, as he remembered her blush when he'd asked her about the rumors.

Withdrawing from his thoughts, he went back to Rodney's email. _"…Extremely __convenient __isn't it? Well I can't give you much more because I've got to get back to the running projects we've procured from our latest run on the Planet Devoid. Get it? Planet Devoid? Devoid of human life. Anyways, don't go blabbering to Elizabeth about this. She's the one whose been convinced by Dr. Heightmeyer you'd get better not having to focus on things you can't do. – Rodney."_

John sighed. He swore the next session with that woman he was going to convince her he was okay for active duty. Having his team sub with Major Lorne's was bad enough but to then be told he shouldn't bother with anything from the missions since he couldn't go on them anways was frustrating.

Hell, he was going to tell her that, the next time he saw her.

Scanning the next email, which he'd gotten from Beckett, it detailed all of his research on the woman and the signature he'd missed before her escape.

_Another shame, we didn't catch this sooner._ Thought John, as he looked at the scanned imaging of Serket and the barely visible liquid form of something moving up her spine.

_Another __Goa'uld._

He knew Rodney and Beckett both had discouraged his interest in the whole thing but they still gave him what he'd requested. The research was no longer being conducted as there were other more important missions. Rodney, Ronon and Teyla had gone with Major Lorne's team three days this week so far. They'd found discouraging results from the worlds they'd visited.

His fists clenched at the thought of them roaming grassy hills and forestry. Why couldn't he'd have just gone along once. Just once. It had been four stinking weeks of this nonsense. True for the first two weeks he'd been injured and recovering… He figured another week wouldn't have hurt to see Dr. Heightmeyer convince her that he was fine and then back to missions.

John hated that Elizabeth was agreeing with Dr. Heightmeyer but then the shrink always had the last say…well that and the medical doctors.

John kicked his bedy. Why the hell had he been so stupid? And then why had he tried to deny it even after Teyla had confronted. Hell she'd seen it just minutes after he'd done it with his pocket knife!

He needed to do something. Anything. Then a thought occurred to him. Pulling the drawer out of his desk, he felt around for a few moments until he found a small sharpened object.

To be honest he still didn't understand why he was doing it, hurting himself. He'd done it when he was a young adult a little, mainly because he'd seen those help shows featuring cutters which made him curious so he'd tried it out. Then he'd thought about doing it when he'd broke it off with his first wife but he'd been able to resist it and then after the black mark he'd gotten…

To be honest he'd never understood how cutting yourself could be helpful, pleasurable or releasing in any way.

Now somehow he'd ended up liking it and doing it. Maybe that made him a sadist or was it masochist?

Dr. Heightmeyer had lectured him about reactions rape victims had and this is one of the topics she'd stressed above all others. Then he'd been given a couple of pamphlets from her after their first session.

He'd read the pamphlets and they'd given a brief explanation why cutters do it, what it's about. He didn't figure that anyone knew his full past history but then it was on the record for the one time he'd done it after his black mark in Afghanistan.

Right after he'd come back to his room from the shrink, he'd pulled his sweatband down and. before he'd been able to think clearly about what he was doing, his hand was reaching for a knife, and he was drawing it across his skin.

God it was like a drug and it made him sick to his stomach but he'd not stopped there. It had been awkward and painful but the second smaller cut next to it had sent chills up to his brain and back down. Not pleasurable but it had for a brief moment made him feel better. It took focusing on the pain of the incident away and onto the pain from his wrist.

He'd shook his head. It had been a stupid thing to do but the next day he found himself doing it again near the same area.

He figured it was just something weird that everybody went through at one time or another, despite what Beckett and Dr. Heightmeyer had told him. Beckett would never remove his band and Dr. Heightmeyer would never know. From there on when ever he'd woken up in a sweat from a particularly bad nightmare or had a bad day he'd reached for his small knife. It had taken the edge off everything. He knew he was slipping but he didn't care.

Standing up he kicked his bed frame again then he'd had to go stupid and cut himself right before he was to spar with Teyla. He'd cut high above, near his elbow. Regrettably Teyla had seen the band aide and then she'd found the knife after she'd made him see Beckett.

She'd done the right thing in sending him to Beckett who had removed his band and seen two or three scars of cuts on the back of his wrist but those he could explain away more easily.

Now he would have to be more careful. John pulled his sleeve up. He couldn't risk a cut on his arms. That would be too obvious. No…but he couldn't cut anywhere else either. It just felt right that it should be his arms.

He decided then he'd wear long sleeve for the next couple days until the wound healed. They wouldn't think anything of it. The ocean had gotten colder the past two days and even though Atlantis had temperature controls, sometimes it just felt colder indoors when the ocean was chilly.

Cocking his head, he couldn't explain the in-difference he felt. Picking up his small pocketknife, he drew it slowly across his left arm on the outside. The pain sizzled and burned but his thoughts were drawn away from the dreams. Standing still, he watched as blood congealed from the superficial wound he'd caused.

He watched for awhile as the blood shimmered its inky hue under the Atlantean lights. Drawing a finger up to it, he touched it and cringed as his arm reverberated pain up and down. He eyed the wet fingertip and wondered why he found it so fascinating.

_God this is gruesome._ Thought John, he reached for his desk drawer and put a band-aid on. He turned off his laptop and flopped back into bed. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew this was going to catch up to him sooner or later.

He just hoped he wouldn't be sent back to Earth, to some mental ward or lose his career over this. _God that's right, _he thought, _I could lose my job over this…this stupid obsession but I'll only do this for a little longer, just until I'm back to going off-world, fighting Wraith and keeping my mind off of this. _

Nodding to himself, he pushed back into his pillow and sheets. _They will never know. Just have to be more careful._

* * *

Groaning, Serket stopped as the hunger pains rolled over her. She clutched the wall in anticipation as her stomach lurched and she let a growl ripe from her throat. She was going to die down here. 

Alone, in pain and lost. _Mother would be shamed._

Wiping the spittle that had worked its way out of her pointy teeth to her lips, she sniffed. Was it human she smelled? Human down here? Her heart pounded. Food.

Serket picked up her sluggish walk to follow the scent. It led to a wide cavern dripping with water. She felt joy filling her. There was two humans. A male and female. She hissed and wasted no time, climbed up through the carved trail, she watched as he caressed the young woman. The smell of pine trees and greenery filled her nostrils.

She was close to the surface. Looking down, she could see a small trail leading down the craggy rocks hidden behind rubble, it stopped just at the edge of a small underground pond in which the man was leading the woman to. Licking her dry lips, she hefted herself around the rubble and pulled the painting from underneath her shirt. She sat it aside and slid into the pond. Its inky blackness disturbed only by several torches, the two humans and her gentle rush in.

Swimming toward them she slipped in-between the two and slapped her hand against his chest, while gripping the woman's wrist. The woman's pale brown eyes widened as she screamed watching the man being feed upon. Serket didn't stop until he was just shrivels of bones and stringy flesh then she turned on the woman.

She hissed with ecstasy. Finally her wound was healed and she her stomach had stopped rolling. She waded out of the water and shook her herself off. Then grabbed the painting before she stalked up the pathway leading out of the cave.

Upon exit, Serket raced to the trees. To freedom. Her heart hammering in her chest she scaled down a small hill and followed a cold icy river down into a small clearing. She could see something standing there. The Stargate…

Finally after all this trouble she was actually going to make it. Now all she had to do was find another hive ship or at least a place to stay until she could gain back the power she'd lost. Smiling, she strode to it.

Before she could reach it a woman dressed in what Serket could only describe as Amazonian clothing leapt out at her. In fact a crowd of women had encircled her. Serket hissed at the ring leader and was about to take this fight for her life when the woman's eyes widened and she dropped to her knees.

"Belehsi Suri darsi dal. My Goddess," The woman said, while yanking off her feather headdress. After that, all the other women dropped to their knees as well.

Serket hissed at them all and sniffed. "Goddess?"

"Yes. For only a goddess could be you. Great ones of the Stars."

Serket circled the leader, she could smell the scent of something odd about the woman. Why hadn't she'd sensed her before?

"We've longed for when you would come to us. Our people have continued to following your teachings as you told us."

"Why?"

The woman lowered her head even further. "My lady. We drink the blood of our prey in the spirit of you, Goddess. One day we'd hoped you would come to us and now you are here. Please male sacrifices will be prepared for you and at anytime you request it."

Serket growled then quirked her head. She didn't care…maybe a hive ship had convinced these people that they were gods. Now the sacrifices… "Male sacrifices?"

She stood up and bowed. "Of course…men are only here to serve us. To feed us."

Serket smiled. Well forget the hive ship for now. "Please lead the way."

The woman bowed again and led her through a patch of trees onto a trail. Behind her, the other women strode, eyeing her with admiration. Serket was pleased. This was how humans should behave and who knew maybe she'd even find a better body…or she could just stick with this one. Although she couldn't say but something was almost non-human at least about the leader with her feather headdress. Maybe she was just getting confused or something. Eh...

It was worth it if she had worshippers, why should she bother with things that didn't concern her? At another clearing, her eyes rose up to meet a fenced in structure, it had only one thing about its structure that caught her eye. It was Atlantean in design. She smiled and followed the leader through the entrance.

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**A/N:** Well well I wonder how Shep's demise shall come? From Serket, the structure or these women. Find out next chap. Also - For denise-42 who wanted to have more whumping of Shep, this time as a slave to women. I decided to use her request as the sequel of Going Commando. I hope this lives up to your request. 


	2. Divagate

**A/N: **I haven't had this beta'ed yet so I apologize for any spelling, grammar, syntax etc.

**Warning:** Hurt/Comfort sort of but no McShep though McShep-ers might still like this.

* * *

… **.LV.** …

**Burden**

By _Lady Valmar_

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**Song Inspiration:** Voices by Saosin

* * *

**Divagate**

**Chapter 2 **

Sheppard shuffled back to his room. He was exhausted. He'd spent the day in the gym, then with the shrink and then in Carson's lab being checked out. Carson tried to give John a brief look at his arms but thankfully he didn't see the gash on John's wrist. When Carson had asked him to move the band he'd managed to weasel his way out of it.

Sheppard smiled at least he didn't see. Oh god who was he fooling? When he made it to his room he dropped onto his bed and closed his eyes. He needed to change out of his exercise outfit but he was so tired.

Rolling onto his side, John clenched the blankets close to him. This wasn't happening. He wasn't reliving it. He pushed his pillow away from him as Serket's laughs began again, her disgusting body on top of him…riding him as he lay there helpless to fend her off.

Jerking back, his eyes opened at the sound of something hitting his floor. It was a glass. Breathing heavily John looked down at the broken glass and rubbed his eye. Damn it all.

He kicked out with his legs, willing himself to into a sitting position. When he'd finally realized it had only been a dream he looked around. It was late and he only knew that because he could see the night sky out his window and a few stars. He could see his blankets had twisted around him in his attempt to escape her.

He felt not unlike being squeezed from the inside out by a mass of coils, as he struggled to breathe. His heart hammered in his chest, the only sound of his wheezing echoing in the inky blackness. He could feel a panic attack coming on.

Okay John, get a handle on this. Remember what the doctor said. Keep calm. Don't think about anything that makes you anxious. Just take deep slow breaths, lay still.

Even as he told himself this, the panic forced him to steady himself against nausea. His stomach wasn't just rocking; it was a stewing pot of overcooked beef. He leaned his head back but it only made the room spin.

As the panic settled, he willed himself to reach for the radio. Who could he possibly call at this hour, Dr. Heightmeyer? The shrink? If she saw him like this and there was the gash and… Oh god if it came to that then he'd have to admit his drug use because this urge to cut was a highly addictive drug.

His thoughts led him to consider the effects of his negative coping…

John didn't need to know what Elizabeth might do if she knew he was injuring himself and had been doing all this time since that one incident. Hell Carson, Dr. Heightmeyer, especially her, they would send him straight back to Earth if they found out. He didn't need a reminder that this could led to him hurting himself seriously if he didn't stop but he just didn't know how not to.

He didn't want to be separated from his home, Atlantis. It was more of a home to him than anything on Earth had ever been. He was trying to make the effort to find other ways of appeasing his appetite for pain but every day he told himself he'd stop and here he was... Maybe being out in the field, fighting the Wraith and letting danger fill him would suppress his urges to injure himself.

_God what the hell is wrong with me?_ Thought John, clenching and unclenching his fists. He allowed himself a small measure of relief but even as he thought that, it was clear this was some sort of forbidden danger. And anything forbidden was usually desired the most. From the way Elizabeth, Carson and Dr. Heightmeyer had explained it to him, it made him want to do it more not _less._

It also felt like a badge or something. It was proof that he was in control of his emotions. John shook his head. That was a total lie. He couldn't lie to himself. Maybe, his mind reasoned it was a cry for help. For somebody to save him because he couldn't save himself but he would never ask his team or put this burden on them…because his pride wouldn't let him.

He had no doubt that if he told Ronon, no matter how much the man might honor his requests, the guy would take it to Elizabeth immediately...well maybe. Never mind that, again, that would very damaging to John's pride to go to Ronon for help.

Rodney without a doubt would tell...wouldn't he? So thinking about this wasn't really helping his panic attack although his heart had slowed down. John scrubbed a hand over his face.

So he wasn't suppose to be doing anything strenuous, that was a funny thought because he'd just spent the day kicking the shit out a punching bag and he'd even gone to the shooting range. So they thought he wasn't able to go off-world yet.

Fuck me, he thought. He wanted to go off world more than usual this past week. He felt ready and just maybe all this emotional baggage and shit he'd gone through would just go away. He could lose himself in something positive like exploring another planet or taking on the Wraith or hell he'd even take Rodney's boring science gobble-d-gock to so much time confined to Atlantis not that he didn't love the city.

It was just he was a man of action and he didn't enjoy all this activity free time never mind he needed a better outlet than cutting himself. He couldn't even surf and going to gym was a risk he'd done once maybe twice so far. True his injuries were better but Carson wouldn't like him straining his body further than the doc saw as necessary.

Thought…what did Elizabeth and the shrink expect? That he'd be smiling and saying thank you?

He decided that he needed to correct that idea with Elizabeth the next time he asked to get back to his job.

John figured maybe he'd wait until Friday and then ask her again. He'd asked her Sunday but she'd been very closed to the idea. It was not because of his wounds…which he estimated were as good as they needed to be so he could go off world. No, it was his mental state she was worried about and she'd been keeping tabs with the shrink.

John decided he'd have to wait a week then press again. This time he was going to find a way to convince her but he would have to find a way in which Carson didn't get involved. If the man even got a whiff of his cuts...that would be it.

Then who knew how long it would be before he could again walk through the Stargate at least in the Pegasus galaxy. John shivered, acid bubbling up to his throat as he looked down at his wrist. Another wave of panic hit him, as he thought about how deep he'd cut himself again. He quickly reached for a long sleeved shirt seated on the end of his bed. Maybe if he covered the evidence. Out of sight and out of mind. Right?

His eyes latched onto the whirlwind of messes in his room. There was pile of dirty clothing in one corner with some of his various sentiments he'd brought along to Atlantis and his skateboard topped it off. Then there were the napkins; the other two pairs of boots that had mud caked on them and on the floor around them. There was his disarray of golf clubs and his surfboard, which had managed to make an impossible sideways tip to the floor, held up by his dresser.

Even his restroom was beginning to look messy. It smelled faintly of burnt rubber, human stench and Oust spray. He'd spent awhile back trying to fix something by burning it, the project hadn't turned out well and after Carson's thorough inspection of sharp objects in his room with a small sweep team, he'd lost his fire lighting privileges. So most of the dangerous objects were gone didn't mean he still couldn't find a way.

Like his very clearly concealed knife, which they hadn't found. For some reason that made him smile but not for long. He was happy to continue on with his method of dealing with his pain, if they wouldn't let him go off world.

_What a piece of work I must be?_ Thought John, finding his strength to make it to the restroom. He carefully took care of his latest injury before tugging his long shirt back down. Then without really thinking he radioed on a whim.

He felt so drained like he was in a humid area. He knew that wasn't right because the temperature controls were set at a cool 70 degrees. John took deep breaths and cried out when scratched the wound through the small band aide. Damn it.

John felt anger and pressed hard on the gash only to feel his stomach roll again. Another panic attack, the third he would have in the same hour. John clenched his eyes and tried hard not to think about the pain as he made himself let go of it. Just the thought of how the knife had touched his skin and the way he'd smiled as he'd watched it bleed made John sick to his stomach. He dropped to his knees, he needed desperately to get away from it all. Fresh air, he needed fresh air.

Trying to retrace those breathing steps again, he managed a steady breathing, it was just enough to control his voice. He tapped the radio for Rodney and none too surprisingly the grumpy scientist answered. The gruff and irritated voice coughed into the radio.

"What is it?" Rodney responded his voice full of agitation.

John wanted to say forget it and hang up, just let the man have his peace but he needed...something. Anything at all. He felt like a drowning man…reaching for land as the tide pulled him under.

John told himself, j_ust talk to Rodney_ _and tell him what is going on. Come on John. You know this is only going to make things worse. _He cleared his throat, it was now or never.

"Look, I..."

"Sheppard?"

He sat on his bathroom floor and began breathing heavily. He could do this. He could tell him. "I could really..."

There was a pause as he waited. It sounded like Rodney was doing something.

"Look, I'm really busy at the moment. I've got a tricky experiment going but...are you okay?"

"Just forget I called," John said gruffly back, yanking the headpiece off his head. He should have known it was a mistake to have called Rodney. He should call him back and tell him anyways but he wasn't going to waste his time on someone who clearly had better things to do and he just didn't have the energy to bother.

Closing his eyes, he leaned his head against the sink counter. "You're really messed up John," he told himself. "Great now I'm talking to myself."

* * *

Rodney had been running late but with all that had happened he was kind of grateful not to go back off world at the moment. The time had given him more room to take care of some experiments and projects he'd been putting off ever since the last mission. 

Recently the team had paired up with Major Lorne's in John's absence and had been off world but it hadn't done much. They'd come back pretty much empty handed. It didn't matter to Rodney because it gave him more time to figure out what to do.

He didn't know how to exactly handle John's situation. They weren't the best of friends but they'd come a long way since the beginning. He'd tried to give support but he was really out of his league with this one. Sheppard...raped?

Now that wasn't something he'd ever thought possible. He knew it could have very well been him in Sheppard's place, which was why he was grateful he'd been spending more time in the lab then in his room or messing around with laundry like Sheppard had.

Rodney shook his head. The whole thing was just bizarre if nothing else. He couldn't think of any other word to describe it. How did a guy get raped anyways? Oh right…drugs. Rodney returned his focus back to the project in front of him. He'd been experimenting with some sort of electrical generator the Ancients kept in one of the artifact rooms. With him he had several tools which measured its pressure, electrical charge and the unique frequency it had.

The generator was strictly meant to power up other ancient devices in the research labs etc so that meant it had nothing worth value other than its limited power that was remaining. Still he'd done all the standard produces just to be sure.

It was a waste in his opinion but something had made him reconsider when he'd gotten a unique signature reading indicating data might somehow be stored within this generator but it really shouldn't have been possible.

He was also running a series of analysis tests on Atlantis's power distribution system to see where he could improve efficiency. On top of that he was keeping watch of Sheppard's security camera. Which had been placed directly outside the man's door. It wasn't something he'd been asked to do but he felt obligated since the cutting incident had occurred.

Honestly he didn't see much harm in it. Sheppard was just upset over what had happened to him reasonably he was a little emotional unstable at the moment, even if Sheppard didn't want to admit it. If it had been him instead of Sheppard, then he might have been tempted to do more...

Rodney shuddered about what might have occurred to him after the fact. What would he have done or felt? It was then his radio crackled to life for the third time that hour. For crying out loud, it was 2:30 in the morning what was so pressing that people needed to keep bugging him?

He cleared his throat and felt a cough explode when he'd been about to answer. Scowling he answered, knowing he sounded sour. "What is it?"

"Look, I..."

"Sheppard?" Rodney answered, a little less agitation in his voice.

Well it wasn't that Rodney didn't mind Sheppard contacting him but he was really busy. _Okay try to be reassuring and address his concerns or if he just needs you to listen then be attentive..._ Rodney remembered from Dr. Heightmeyer's session with the team. _Okay being attentive._

He waited for him to answer and got a weird thudding sound along with heavy breathing. He really hoped John wasn't doing something gross and trying to bother him with it. Rodney shuddered.

_Get real, he sounds not too good. Not like he's doing something gross. Just try to be attentive._

"I could really..."

But as soon as he'd heard John's voice, the data pad in his hand began flashing. There was data on the machine! This was something he'd been hoping for or rather something he'd been sure of. He wrote the details quickly, then realized Sheppard hadn't finished what he had wanted to say. Now was not the best time anyways...

"Look, I'm really busy at the moment. I've got a tricky experiment going but..." Rodney thought for a moment realizing he'd been less than reassuring, attentive and helpful. So he pressed on careful, "...are you okay?"

"Just forget I called," John said gruffly back.

"Sheppard?" Rodney asked into the radio, hearing the head phone squeak. Something told him this wasn't good. He quickly took down all his findings and shut down the generator. He left the mapping program for the efficiency of power distribution in Atlantis on. He could go over those readings later. Sitting there for a moment, he processed the very strange radio call he'd just gotten.

Something didn't sound right. Sheppard had sounded like...like he was having some kind of fit or was about to puke his guts out. Rodney shook his head. "Panic attack."

That was all he needed to remember from Heightmeyer's session. She'd explained what they were, but how could he not know about them. He had had several of them through out his stay in Atlantis. But why was Sheppard calling him?

Maybe he couldn't handle his panic attack? Rodney left his lab. He was going to find out what exactly was going on because it would do no good to make assumptions and then find out later he'd been wrong. Upon reaching Sheppard's door, he could hear a crashing sound.

* * *

John sat still as he watched his shampoo bottle seep down his drain. It didn't help his panic attack but it had distracted him from it for a few minutes. How the hell was he going to convince Elizabeth he was ready to go out in the field? 

He knew he wasn't ready if only because as being in charge of his team if he lost his cool and got them injured... Or if he had a panic attack. As a leader he couldn't afford to let these petty attacks jeopardize his team. John wheezed and went over the breathing steps again. When he'd made his fifth deep breath, he heard Rodney call his name.

He didn't want to open his eyes. He knew he looked horrible, maybe worse than horrible. It didn't stop him from trying to keep some of his pride. "Rodney, I'm fine."

"No, you're not. You had one of those panic attacks didn't you? Why didn't you just tell me on the radio? And what was that crashing sound?" Rodney complained.

John had enough control to roll his eyes. He didn't figure there was anything to say or convince Rodney to go but he still gave it his best shot. "Rodney, just go away."

He lowered his head on his knees, which he'd brought up to his chest. Everything had gone so wrong. Why was he bothering with thinking about things he couldn't change? He felt so...

Even the words escaped him. He couldn't face any of them right now, especially Rodney. Maybe he just needed to go get some sleeping pills and crash. That was all. Some sleep sounded pretty good right now. Just close his eyes and not dream. Maybe not have to ever wake up. Just drift off into empty space...

"Sheppard!"

John's eyes snapped open to see Rodney standing over him. "How...?"

"I over rode the door's lock and came in. Now what's going on?"

"Just go away Rodney."

Rodney sunk down onto his hunches making faces. "No, you've had a panic attack and wanted to talk to me. I ignored you like usual being insensitive. So here I am in person. Now talk."

"Pretty analytical even for you Rodney. Just get the hell out of here...please." He knew he looked pretty bad but having Rodney here with him wasn't changing anything. He closed his eyes; maybe if he pretended Rodney wasn't there, Rodney would take the hint and go away.

"I'm not going anywhere. I'm here to support and listen."

John had to admit that what Rodney had just said sounded really forced and maybe a bit annoyed. Should he risk telling him? He had been about to tell Rodney over the radio. That was what Rodney was here for to talk but if he told him it would freak out Rodney. The guy would go running to Elizabeth in an instant. He wouldn't be on Atlantis for much longer.

He couldn't let that happen at all costs. He wouldn't let that happen. He just wouldn't. He couldn't. He wasn't going back to Earth. Not now.

"Sheppard?" Rodney said, putting a hand on John's shoulder.

He hadn't even realized it but he'd been pressing the wound on his arm, hard. Now the pain was back he could see red starting to show through his thin shirtsleeve. He was too late to cover it up before Rodney saw.

"You're bleeding!" Rodney exclaimed, reaching for his discarded mic.

"Rodney no! Don't," John screamed. He pulled the headphone out of Rodney's hand and stuffed it into his pocket. "You can't..." He wheezed helplessly as he sank back against his sink. "Just get out."

For several moments after the scramble for the headphone, Rodney's shouts and his own they sat there unmoving. He tried to avoid contact but he found it was kind of hard. He put pressure on the wound, what good it did.

"You can't expect me to just sit here and watch you bleed...oh my god. You've...You've..." Rodney said pointing his finger at John.

"I've what!" John snapped.

Rodney's eyes widened. "You...you did that to yourself, didn't you? You did." He said quietly, slumping down against the doorframe, angling himself to face John.

John looked away. He had never felt more ashamed than this moment. He wish he could just go hide in his closet and disappear. This was one of the worst moments of his life. Not even going through divorce could quite compare to this.

"Why?" Rodney asked, clearly perplexed. When he didn't get an answer, he gently put a hand on John's shoulder again and asked timidly, "John?"

It was the first time Rodney had ever used his first name and it did what Rodney had meant it to do, catch his attention. He turned and looked at him. "Because then I don't have to face reality. I don't know... Maybe then I don't have to say to myself...you've been raped. I can pretend it didn't happen..."

"But it did."

"I know that Rodney..." John hissed.

"Okay no need to take my head off. Normally it should be me snapping at you," Rodney said, concern evident in his face.

John hesitated, "Rodney...please don't...tell...anyone...alright."

Rodney froze mid breath and let it out quickly. He could see Rodney was processing on what he wanted to say. There wasn't much he could do if Rodney did tell Elizabeth but he hoped Rodney would at least consider his wishes. They'd come along way since that first day on Atlantis, maybe that would count for something? Anything?

Maybe if he explained why or maybe if he told him... John bit his lower lip. "I don't want to lose my job or be taken off Atlantis or be told I can't lead the team..." John added quickly, hoping Rodney would understand.

Rodney's mouth opened but he didn't say anything. He just sat there his hand still on John's shoulder, his eyes on the wound and clearly thinking about it.

"I...am supposed to report this. Shep..."

"John," Sheppard added.

"Yes...ah right. I shouldn't not report this. You realize my position. If I knew about this and I didn't say anything then there could be serious repercussions about it. It's to help you and I wouldn't want to do anything that could make things worse for you but..."

John asked. "And..."

"This isn't good," Rodney said, pointing at the wound on John's arm.

"I know that Rodney but please…Rodney I need you to trust me. Remember one time you asked me to trust you…"

"Yeah and I blew up 3/4s of a solar system."

"Okay point taken but why can't you just trust me?"

Rodney took a deep breath as he thought about it and then said. "At least could you let me see it and I'll decide. I can't believe I'm evening considering what you're asking of me."

John sighed; maybe there was still some hope for his job. "Okay...thanks."

He rolled his sleeve back up and slowly took off his sweatband, which had become soaked with blood on the top. The small gauze bandage had become seeped with blood too. He slowly peeled the tape off the end and unwrapped it to show to Rodney.

Rodney's light gasp told him it wasn't good. "What did you use?"

"My pocket knife. It's in my bedside table. So going to report me?" John asked, looking away, shame lighting his face.

Rodney hesitated before answering. "I think we should clean this. My god Sheppard…" He stood up and searched through John's sink cabinet. "So is there an actual medical kit anywhere?"

"Yeah...bedside table." John's reply had been dull and he lowered his head.

Rodney looked back at the deep gash before he went to John's bedside table.

* * *

Rodney rummaged through the drawer, until he found what he'd been looking for. This was on a whole new level now. He'd seen his sister's friend do this but at the time he hadn't understood it. Rodney had to tell…but John had asked him to trust him… So where did that leave him? 

Rodney wasn't sure what to do but he at least had to make sure John didn't do this again. He picked up the pocketknife, which still had a few bloodstains on its handle and put it in his pocket.

What was he going to do? He had to tell, if he didn't how much worse would he feel. He would not only risk John's life if he didn't; he'd be putting his own career on the line. If he did and John lost his job... Rodney closed his eyes and gave a small yawn.

His thoughts brought him back to Jeannie and her friend Junie. What would he have done if it had been Jeannie… or if it had been himself? Rodney couldn't even fathom it right now. What would he have wanted if their positions were reversed? Then something struck him…they'd have to make a compromise...or rather John would.

Finally he grabbed the medkit, sought a clean washcloth and went back to where Sheppard was dabbing the blood that had begun to dribble down his arm and onto the floor.

"Okay here's a clean wash cloth. Uhh...put pressure on it," Rodney told him, opening the med kit to look for those alcoholic wipes.

"Oh thanks Dr. Mom."

Rodney didn't say anything.

He watched John take the cloth and apply pressure, an indescribable look on his face. He observed that John's brow had sweat on it and he looked weary. Like someone who hadn't slept well in a long time, which he figured was probably the case.

How could Sheppard do this? He really thought that the whole cutting thing had been just a one time deal. It had bothered him but he'd never thought that Sheppard would really consider hurting himself because he'd been raped.

He should tell Carson right now and report to Elizabeth about what is going on. He really should... But to not have Sheppard here on Atlantis...that was not something he'd even considered. Would Elizabeth really tell Stargate Command about this? He figured that once they heard about it, John would be shipped home and booted out of his military career due to mental health reasons.

It just wasn't fair. Sheppard hadn't deserved what had happened to him and he certainly didn't want the end result to be for Sheppard to be booted out of his career but he also didn't want Sheppard doing this anymore. It wasn't just sick, it was dangerous. Sheppard could accidentally cut too deep one day and bleed to death. Or he could end up with an infection that could make him loose his arm or make him even die from it.

Rodney would never live with himself if that happened and he hadn't reported the incident it make him feel terrible but he also couldn't stand the thought of not having Sheppard on Atlantis or leading their team. It was just wrong. This whole thing was just wrong. Then there was that whole trust and guilt lasso Sheppard had thrown at him.

Rodney wasn't sure if the compromise would work but damn it all boiled down to the guilt lasso and the thought of what would he really do if Sheppard was booted out for good? Rodney gave up the debate in his head, his final decision was the only course. This was going to be hard. He had never been good at being stern but he knew it was what he'd need if their positions were reversed.

John looked up. "It's stopped."

Rodney nodded and pulled out an alcoholic wipe. "Uh…here."

As John opened it and applied it to his wound, wincing, Rodney pulled out a piece of white padding, the gauze, medical tape and Triple Antibiotic Ointment. Once John had dried the area well, Rodney applied the ointment to the sterile padding.

"I can do this my..."

"Don't," Rodney said quickly, as he put the padding on John's wound. Then using a piece of the tap he secured it on before he began wrapping it with the gauze. Once he'd finished, he tapped it off.

"Rodney..." John started again.

Rodney gave him a stern look, or at least he hoped it was a stern look, before he began seeking out some aspirin for the pain Sheppard had to be in. After a quick search he discovered there was Advil, Motrin, aspirin and Tylenol in the kit. Why were there four different medicines? They all did the same thing. He picked out the Motrin, that was the only one that seemed to do the trick for himself.

"I'll be right back with some water," Rodney said, after he handed two Motrin's to Sheppard.

When he'd come back, he handed the water glass to Sheppard and cleaned up the small mess he'd made with the kit. Once he'd returned the kit, in which he made sure to remove those small scissors Dr. Beckett's sweep team didn't catch, he checked the wound for the last time and then he offered a hand to John.

Sheppard gave him a stare but finally took it when Rodney didn't move. "Rodney..."

Rodney cleared his throat. Stern. He had to be stern. "Let's sit down first then you'll listen to what I have to say."

* * *

John followed Rodney into his bedroom and took a seat on his bed while Rodney took his desk chair. This wasn't good. Rodney looked really upset. He'd never seen Rodney like this. He'd seen him fussing, and when he was going on about his ego but he'd never had Rodney talk to him like this or be so caring either. 

"I really don't even know where to begin..." Rodney began.

"You took the knife didn't you," John asked, feeling uncomfortable about everything that had happened tonight. It was the first thing that came to mind. He knew it was obvious that Rodney had but for some reason asking him about it took his mind off the situation for a moment.

"Yes, anything else I should know about? Like other knives, matches, lighters? A sword?"

John shook his head shamefully. "There is a lighter underneath the mattress and a smaller knife taped to the metal post of my skateboard..." He kept his eyes down, this was so humiliating. He wasn't even thinking about how uncomfortable he was feeling or about getting his mind off it because the humiliation was more pressing. He watched as Rodney picked up his skateboard, and found the knife. Sheppard reached under the mattress and handed the lighter to him as well.

"Anything else?"

"Nothing, okay," John said irritably.

Rodney sat back down across from him on the desk chair, putting the lighter into his pocket along with the other two knives. "Now...I don't care why you're doing this. Ah…if it's because you can't deal with what happened or you're trying to focus on that or what not. Just stop. It's sick...Shepp...John. Understand?" Rodney said, a sense of authority in his voice.

"Rodney..."

"I don't want to hear it. You stop this now. Today and if I catch you again or find out you've been hiding it from me, I will have to report it."

John nodded slowly and miserably. "So you're actually going to keep quiet?"

"Well I really didn't want to but I'll give you a chance. You've given me your trust more times than I think I've deserved and so I owe you the same at least enough not to tell for right now. If I end up in trouble so be it but if I find out you've done it, it will only make me realize that I made a mistake in trusting you even that much. Can I trust you even that much?"

John scratched his neck. "Yes."

Rodney crossed his arms. "I don't want to see this again. You want to keep your job and let me keep mine then you'll stop. I will make a compromise with you, seeing as I can't completely expect you to not be tempted, I'm going to keep a closer eye on you. If that means babysitting then I will."

He looked up. "Oh come on, Rodney."

"No, I am serious. This is really dangerous. I saw my sister's friend Janie end up in a psycho ward because of this. To be honest I really thought that cutting incident was just a one time thing but to see this…Did I mention this is sick?"

"Okay. I get it." John said stubbornly, frowning.

"So since you're obviously suppose to be sleeping right now. Sleep," said Rodney, indicating to the bed with his head.

John blinked his eyes a little. Rodney couldn't be serious could he? Sleep with him in the room watching? "With you watching me? No way. That's going too far Rodney. This is ridiculous I'm not a child. This is so stupid."

"No, it's not. If you can't sleep then join me in the lab. I'm going to keep my eyes on you and if I find your trust worthy enough I'll slowly give you space. I'm not going debate this with you. Either you do it my way or we go see Dr. Beckett right now."

John glared, Rodney could not do this to him! But dammit he was right. Maybe the cry for help had been answered. A wave of something he couldn't describe washed over him.

Once he was sure it was gone he opened his eyes and resigned to the fact that it was better to do it Rodney's way then lose both of their careers. "Okay...let's go to your lab."

"Good." Rodney nodded and John followed him out of his room. Once they had made it to the lab, John took one of the chairs opposite the lab table Rodney was working on. Rodney grabbed his mug of coffee and drank from it before he reviewed the data pad he'd picked up.

"I'm going to be working on this generator for the next hour. Let me know if you need anything. If you decide you want go to sleep let me know and we'll go back to your room."

John watched, slightly exasperated at the thought of Rodney watching him sleep. How disturbing was that? He fiddled with a few tools lying on the table before Rodney went over and took them from him.

"Hey..."

"Their sharp you might try something with them."

"I wouldn't," John said defensively. How could Rodney say that?!

"I don't trust you right now. If you're bored you can go over some of the lab reports. You might actually learn something from it."

Sheppard rolled his eyes at Rodney's back and then frowned at the reports. He picked up one. "Fine," he said stubbornly, realizing the effect was lost, as it made him sound more immature than anything else at the moment.

After 10 minutes had passed, he felt like he was going to explode or turn into a pile of soft serve ice cream. It was one of the driest reports he'd ever read. Maybe he could try a conversation at least that was better than the lengthy silence.

"So...do you think if I asked Elizabeth at the end of this week, she'd let us go off world?"

Rodney turned and gave him a surprised look. "If by the end of this week you prove to me that you're not going to or plan to hurt yourself ever again. You prove you're trustworthy to me and actually make an effort in those sessions with Dr. Heightmeyer…"

"Oh the shrink…"

Rodney sighed. "Yes the shrink…than I'll back you up. I can't guarantee that Elizabeth will let you, mainly because it all goes back to Heightmeyer's influence but I'm sure if you can show your doing better that Elizabeth will okay you."

"There's Carson…"

Rodney shrugged. "That too."

John nodded. "Uh…thanks for trusting me."

Rodney shook his head. "Yeah well don't make me regret that. Besides it's what frie...uhh...family is for."

John smiled slightly, a feeling of warmth engulfing him. He'd never had anyone do what Rodney had done for him. Of course he'd never been raped nor cut himself like this either.

"Now...if you're done with those very dry reports," Rodney grinned, "How about helping with this experiment?"

John glared. "You did that on purpose?"

All he got in response was a shrug from Rodney.

* * *


	3. Pretending

**A/N**: I just wanted to say I had a very hard time with this chapter. I couldn't figure out how to approach the move from last chapter to the mission but I think I tackled it well and I've already begun chapter 4. I was just going to jump into the mission at the end of this chapter but I felt it wouldn't be as good a story if I did that. Thank you for reading and any suggestions are welcomed.

* * *

… **.LV.** …

Burden - Chapter 3

By _Lady Valmar_

* * *

Rodney woke up in the most uncomfortable position he could imagine. He was squished up in a chair and was about to slide off the desk he'd put a pillow on. He'd never willingly sleep like that but for once he'd put himself second to someone else… Sheppard.

As he stretched his sore muscles and popped two motrins from his pocket, he checked his watch. It was almost 11:30 am in the morning. He had to get back to the lab, so it was time to wake Sheppard. Now how was he going to go about doing that?

He watched Sheppard roll over, there was blood staining his sheets. Rodney jumped up from his chair and went to investigate, the last thing he wanted was to have to go see Beckett but if Sheppard had cut himself again then he would have no choice but to go anyways.

He could see the bandaide had slipped off the gash from yesterday evening and that was why blood had gotten all over his sheets. Rodney shook his head and nudged Sheppard's head with his hand.

"Sheppard?"

When he didn't get a response he nudged him harder. Lazily, Sheppard's eyes opened and he startled.

"Rodney what the hell?" He looked a little better since Rodney had finally made him go to sleep at 4 am. Rodney could only imagine how it must have been before he'd decided to play nurse maid.

"Your band aide fell off so I just thought you might want to know. Also it's almost noon. I've got to get back to the lab."

He watched almost humorously as Sheppard scrambled out of bed and grabbed his own watch off his nightstand. "I slept for eight hours?"

"Yeah…well at least you actually got some sleep. I've been drifting in and out. That chair of yours is very uncomfortable."

Sheppard rolled his eyes. "Well nobody said you had to stay."

"Well I did. So do whatever it is you need to do and then let's get going. The sooner I can get back to the lab to finish up that machine analysis and do those two reports, the sooner I can move on to other projects needing my attention."

He watched as Sheppard scrubbed a hand over his face. "I can't believe you didn't wake me sooner."

Rodney shrugged. The truth was that he knew that if he didn't at least play a little doctor to Sheppard then later on when and if Carson found out he'd hidden the situation from him, he could at least look better.

Also he did feel bad for Sheppard and the dark circles under the guy's eyes was starting to worry him. Never mind Sheppard looked a little thinner than his usual self. It was kind of like he'd been through a small war on a hive ship or that he'd been hit by a snowstorm. He looked bad enough that Rodney worried what Carson and the therapist would do if they got a look at him.

"Do you mind…at least let me change Rodney," Sheppard said pulling out some clean clothing.

Rodney crossed his arms. "Can I really trust you won't do something?"

Sheppard narrowed his eyes. "You're acting like a parent. Might I remind you that I'm the one in charge of the team and Atlantis military. I also am not your kid so stop being so… Okay, yes you can trust me. Now can you get out?"

Rodney smiled a little. "Oh this is good. Say please…"

Sheppard frowned. "Excuse me? What the hell is this Rodney? Are you kidding me? Usually I have to tell you that."

Rodney sighed. "Fine…I'm leaving but don't uh…do anything stupid."

Sheppard laughed sarcastically feeling better than he'd felt in awhile. "Very funny. Out."

As soon as Rodney had stepped outside, John shook his head and reached for his shirt. Well this was not what he had expected from calling Rodney and letting him know what was going on. He wasn't sure if he was happy about the outcome but it beat losing his job and being sent back to Earth permanently.

Sheppard pulled off his shirt and put a new black one on. Then dropped his pants and underwear, he looked down to see his erection and frowned. It use to be a pleasant friend, one he shook hands with now and again. But now…John made a disgusted face at it before pulling on clean underwear and pants.

Once he felt ready he stepped out and together they walked down to the lab. Upon breaching the threshold of the lab, he paused as someone shouted. "Rodney."

He looked to where the voice came from, it was Radek with something scribbled on a data pad.

"What's that?" Sheppard asked, approaching Radek.

Rodney snorted. "A gate address?"

"Yes, I retrieved it from the data core of the machine this s'morning. Where were you?"

Rodney shifted on his feet. "Sleeping, now have you…?"

"Yes it's not in the Ancient database." Radek answered. He moved to pick up some more data pads.

If John pretended he could almost imagine things we're back to normal but then reminder of his situation came back to bother him and he frowned. There was no way Elizabeth would let him out in the field to check this address out but what would happen when Rodney left. How long would he gone? What would happen when Rodney wasn't watching him?

"Really? How strange. Have you told Elizabeth yet?"

"No, I was waiting for you."

"Oh yes…ah…" Rodney gulped and turned to look at John. "This could be a problem."

Radek pushed his glasses up. "What problem?"

"No not…never mind Radek. You mind giving us a moment?"

Sheppard watched, finding it difficult to put aside the idea of his one lifeboat being whisked away from him. He hated to admit it but having Rodney know about his cutting, made the burden easier to bear and well…he hadn't cut himself since he'd told him. At least so far but without Rodney there to keep an eye on him…

Obviously Rodney had thought of that because before he could ask where Radek had gone Rodney was clearing his throat. "John…"

"Rodney don't start with me." John crossed his arms. "I already know what you're going to say."

"Then you realize that…okay fine I'll make Radek go in my place."

John couldn't help how touched it made him feel that Rodney was willing to do that but at the same time this was getting ridiculous. "Rodney…"

"No this is my decision."

John stared unsure of what he should say. Tell Rodney no that it was okay for him to go? Or? What could he say really?

* * *

"We should go see Elizabeth," Rodney said matter of fact-ly when it was clear John wasn't going to say anything more. 

"Right." John said.

Around the corner Rodney caught Radek doing something on a laptop. "Well?" Radek asked.

"Okay."

Rodney ignored Radek's disapproving stare at Sheppard before they walked the data pad up to Elizabeth's office. He didn't know if Radek had heard the conversation or not but at this point he didn't care. He needed to look for Sheppard and…oh dear god. Radek didn't know about Sheppard's cutting so…

There was only two possibilities that came to mind. One Radek thought Rodney was going to push to have Sheppard on the team that went, which was true. Rodney was going to push and hope for the best. Or Radek thought they were… Rodney shuddered, silently hoping Radek didn't think that.

Sheppard followed like an obedient beagle eager to please. Rodney snorted that the analogy popped into his head and it reminded him too much analytical thinking could give him a head ache. When they finally breached the door, he watched as Sheppard began scratching his neck.

"Ah just a moment." Elizabeth said.

Even though it had been what? four weeks since the incident the signs of what had transpired lingered. Rodney didn't miss the change in Sheppard's behavior as soon as they entered Elizabeth's office. It wasn't so severe that Radek noticed but then Rodney had been keeping a closer eye on John than most of them had.

Sheppard's arms were suddenly crossed almost protectively in front of his chest, his mouth was set tight and it seemed his breathing had picked up a little. Dr. Heightmeyer had said the reaction to other women would lessen over time but how long Rodney wondered. There was no doubt that John was probably tensing up not because of the mission, although Rodney figured it could be that, more likely it was because Elizabeth was a woman and he was in close quarters with her. John didn't have this reaction when it was in an open area like the mess hall, hallways and Rodney's lab. None of those caused this reaction. Only in Elizabeth's office or from what Rodney had been told when John was in Dr. Heightmeyer's office.

They all waited patiently as Elizabeth typed something before looking up.

"Yes?"

"We found a…"

"Gate address." Radek finished before Rodney could.

Rodney handed her the data pad before stepping back. He had no doubt that Sheppard was staying behind them because of recent events. Very few people knew about his cutting incident or the actual raping itself, they'd all tried to keep it on a need to know basis, still Radek knew enough and Rodney just hoped it didn't cause problems.

"So it is. And this came off that machine you two were working on?" Elizabeth asked, taking a sip of her coffee.

"Yes well…it's not in the data base and I was thinking we could…?"

Elizabeth smiled. "Check it out?"

"Yes." He was eager to see what this address could hold. Surely something of value? It had to be. "But…ah…"

Elizabeth was absorbed in her research that Rodney wasn't sure how to broach the situation. "I'll inform Major Lorne and its good to see you up Colonel."

John's reply seemed cold almost bitter. "Yes, I'm just tagging along."

Radek shrugged after the room fell silent. "Well ah…back to work. Have fun."

Rodney didn't follow Radek immediately. Something struck him as he watched Sheppard come to stand beside him. Maybe what the man needed was an outlet or way to get his mind off his troubles and what better way then to go on a research mission? Besides he could keep an eye on John in the field while doing his work, in fact so could Ronon and Teyla. It would take some of the stress of being a 24 babysitter off his shoulders and it would probably help John.

"Elizabeth?"

"What are you still doing here?"

"Well ah…I was thinking that maybe Sheppard could go."

Elizabeth frowned. "I'll have to talk with Dr. Heighmeyer and Carson but…I'll consider it."

"Well could you do that maybe now?'

"Rodney?" John put in.

"Look he's…" Rodney found it hard to explain without telling her about John's cutting habits but he managed. "He's really bored and it's not doing anything for his morale. Maybe a little outing would help."

He hoped he'd treaded carefully into that topic without raising any kind of suspicion and it seemed he was right.

"You know I'm standing right here Rodney, you don't have to talk as if I'm not in the room."

He traded looks with Sheppard before Elizabeth tapped her radio. "Dr. Heightmeyer can you please come down to my office and would you also inform Carson I would like him here for this as well."

Elizabeth took a breath. "I don't have to remind you that it's out of my hands unless your doctors agree."

John nodded solemnly. "I know Elizabeth."

"Please take a seat."

John winched and Rodney paused. "I…ah…think we'll stay standing."

Ten minutes later they were watching as Carson and Kate entered Elizabeth's office. "Elizabeth?" Carson asked, looking equally as curious as Kate.

"Colonel Sheppard would like to go this mission but I wanted your opinions before I approved his return to duty."

Carson blinked. "Well his injuries are mostly healed and I haven't seen anything that makes me concerned. It's up to Dr. Heightmeyer now."

Rodney tensed, knowing she would say no. Dr. Heightmeyer looked at John than Rodney. "From my observations there are some things that I will need time to discuss with Dr. Weir. I think it may be too soon to take that step."

"So what does that mean? No?" Rodney snapped. "Look, I mean, he's bored senseless. Just look at him," Rodney nudged John's arm.

"Rodney's right. I've been bothering him a lot and there are only so many mission reports I review before I run out." John swallowed. "Please let me get back to my job."

Rodney couldn't tell if Kate would say yes or not. She took a deep breath. "I understand you've been keeping an eye on Colonel Sheppard. What would you say about this outing Rodney?"

Rodney gulped. "Well…other than occasionally jumping…I mean he's just bored and that can't be good for his morale right?"

"And you haven't seen any indication of…?"

John cleared his throat. "No, I have not been cutting myself for the umpteenth time. Rodney…" He gave Rodney a small warning look. "Tell her."

"Ah…his arms are clean."

"Well thank you Rodney. At least we all know I shower well."

Rodney couldn't help snorting. "At least your sense of humor is back."

Kate looked between the two of them before turning to Dr. Weir. "I sympathize and understand…Colonel Sheppard, Dr. McKay may I ask you to leave for a moment while I discuss this with Dr. Weir?"

Rodney and John traded annoyed looks before leaving the room. "So do you think she'll say yes?" John asked solemnly, as they hung on the railing near Elizabeth's office.

"I…don't know."

"You lied for me." John said again a little lower.

"Yeah and don't make me regret it John."

* * *

Kate swallowed and turned to Elizabeth. "Dr. Weir, my concern is that Colonel Sheppard in the past few weeks since the incident continues to suffer from Rape Trauma Syndrome, as I discussed with you both. There has been tremendous improvement and he has moved from what is called the Acute Stage to The Outward Adjustment stagebut…recovery takes time and each person processes the event his or her own way so it is possible for the victim to take a step back in the recovery process." 

"And your afraid he might slip back into stage one," Elizabeth answered.

Kate nodded. "He's making good process but after the cutting I think he may need more time. Its hard to say when he may be ready to go back to work but until I can be sure he won't have a relapse, it's a risk I'm not sure we should take."

Carson cleared his throat. "I think Rodney's on to something though. Maybe a change of scenery will help. Right now all he's focusing on is pain and that can't be good long term."

"Yes I've noticed signs of depression, though he tries to hide it well. I've been working with him to release his anxiety. The problem is he won't deal with the traumatic experience itself and I think that is the only way for him to cope with his nightmares."

"And ultimately recover?" Elizabeth asked.

Kate paced across the room and back again. "Yes."

"But maybe he's focusing too hard on the problem. Maybe he needs to put his mind on something else?" Carson offered.

"My fear is that he may repress this experience and it could cause serious long term problems."

"But we can't keep him grounded forever either right?" Carson crossed his arms.

Elizabeth added. "Okay, bottom line is can he resume his duties on the team?"

Kate tapped her forehead then sighed. "While normally I wouldn't advise this, I think Rodney and Carson are right. It's safe to say that an outing might be just what he needs. However, he should be monitored in case any of the warning signs I mentioned, should make an appearance."

Elizabeth nodded. "Who do you recommend?"

"I could go along to monitor but I believe since Rodney has been keeping such a close eye on the Colonel that he could do a better job in the field. It may help to have someone who is close to the Colonel instead of me. In any case, I may make him uncomfortable."

Elizabeth nodded solemnly. "Carson could you bring them back in?"

Carson went to the door and waved them in.

* * *

John paced back and forth. How much longer were they going to sit in there discussing his fate. It was driving him insane. When the door opened he forced the anxiety bubbling to the surface back down again. 

"Well here goes nothing…" Rodney said as they followed Carson back in.

"So what's the news?" John said after Elizabeth had finished typing something on her laptop.

"Your clear to go John but Dr. Heightmeyer and myself agree that someone is going to have to keep a close eye on you."

John rolled his eyes. "Elizabeth I don't need a babysitter."

"Never the less, Rodney?"

Rodney shuffled. "Yes?"

"We'd like it if you could keep an eye on the Colonel."

"Well ah…"

Dr. Heightmeyer stepped forward. "I will need to see you in my office before you leave, Rodney."

"Okay."

"So does that mean I can get back to work?" John quipped, trying not to let his anger at Rodney being his babysitter show.

Elizabeth smiled. "Yes but be careful."

He couldn't help the smile that slipped onto his face. "Always do."

He watched Rodney follow Kate out of Elizabeth's office before he made his way back to his room to dress for the mission. In less than five minutes he was ready but there was still something he needed to do. John left his room and made his way to the armory.

They handed him his weapons but when the sheathed knife landed in his hand, he nearly bulked. Luckily the major in charge of the weapons room didn't notice. His heart suddenly began racing as he secured his gun and P-90.

He just had to remind himself that he was going to be okay. It was just a knife and it was in case he couldn't use his 9mm or P-90. When he'd made it around the corner, he checked to see if anyone was around. To his relief he was alone. John felt his legs collapse as he wheezed. He needed to get a grip if he wanted to go on this mission than he had to beat this thing. These panic attacks wouldn't do him any good, he needed to control himself and prove he could.

Time seemed to slow as he reached for the knife in the strap near his leg, he didn't need to do it. He could resist but still his hand grasped it and before he could think twice he was grabbing his sleeve and rolling it up. Something inside his head screamed that he needed to stop. That he'd sworn he wouldn't do it any more and yet…

When he reached the area just above his elbow on the inside, John gritted his teeth. Okay so this was the last time he'd give in to the urge. It was just going to be a small cut and nobody would know. Still he looked around before he brought the knife to his arm. He took a deep breath and let the edge slide along his skin. John watched as the small cut, resembling a paper cut, began to form a line of red. It was so small he figured it would heal quickly enough.

He wiped the knife on a napkin he had in his vest before returning it the holster at his thigh. Then he dabbed the wound with the same napkin before he rolled his sleeve back down. When he was done he put the napkin back in his pocket because he didn't have time to look for a trash can. He could throw it away later anyways.

John took a deep breath. There no more panic attack, he felt fine except for a little pain he was in control. See that wasn't so hard but really, he told himself, this was truly the last time he cut himself. He didn't need to do it anymore. He had his job back and besides if Rodney ever found it that he'd went ahead and did it after saying he wouldn't well… he really didn't want to think about the consequences.

John cracked his neck and made his way down to the gate room. Ronon and Teylad were waiting for him and he nodded at them. Ronon grunted at John and he tipped his head to him.

"It's good your back." Teyla said, and touched his arm, the cut one, with a smile.

John winced. "Well you know me, can't be down for too long."

Before she could comment on his expression, he moved away as Rodney approached.

"So ready?" Rodney asked.

"Ready as I'll ever be," John said before they all went through the gate.

* * *

... 


End file.
